A Friday Diversion: Criminal Lawyers Online

I’m in the last phase of preparing the manuscript of my forthcoming book, social.lawyer: Transforming business development, new media, new tools and the social web for lawyers. Exactly seven days from NOW my wonderful publisher, West Publishing, a division of Thomson Reuters, is expecting the delivery of my baby. I’m about to POP!

So today, my friend and colleague in the social media marketing space, Nils Montan (we first connected on LinkedIn), an experienced author (and IP attorney) himself, suggested that I stay in my jamies (PJ’s), turn off the phone, and disconnect all outside contact with the world for the next seven days in order to finish on deadline…. thanks Nils, sounds like a plan…except for that fact that another trusted friend, who is a three time published author, reminded me that I should take time to laugh –that would be in lieu of crying or jumping off my balcony. So he forwarded me an email, an oldie but goodie, that sure enough still makes me laugh– enough to make me want to share it (follows below). After reading his email, I thought it would make a great comment to a blog post I read today on Simple Justice (one of my favorite blogs):

And The Online Lawyer Scam Continues

Posted by SHG at 4/8/2010 8:02 AM

Bruce Carton twitted yesterday about this latest barrage from scam lawyer website BestAttorneysOnline.  You may recall that Bob Ambrogi called it out, as did I.  But it’s still out there, and still pulling stunts designed to mislead and deceive.  Hey, anything for a buck.  Isn’t that why the Internet exists?

This time, the scam lawyer website announces the best criminal defense lawyers.  How did they arrive at this venerable list?

A research team reviews thousands of applicants, and performs an evaluation of each firm based on established criteria. A series of questions are posed, such as “Do they represent each client fairly providing the best possible defense and representation?” or “How extensive is the firm’s knowledge of case law when it comes to an individual’s rights?”

Seriously, that’s what this scam site says.  I wouldn’t make this up.  I couldn’t.

VMO Comment: I think the criteria was developed by the same lawyers who are documented in this excerpt from ‘Disorder in the American Courts.‘ (the old viral email that makes us all snicker!)

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi*ting me?
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ _______

And, the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I know, it’s stupid, and you’ve seen it before, but I’m in pajama party mode and feeling punch drunk…at least I got a post up this week…

Happy Friday.